What I Learned from Being the (Involuntary) Toxic Friend

We’ve all heard the saying Misery loves company. Yet, sometimes Misery doesn’t even want her own damn company. It’s no secret that no one wants to be around a Debbie Downer or a Negative Neil (women aren’t the only ones that bring the drama). Yet, very few – and I do mean VERY FEW – people acknowledge the fact that a) sometimes they ARE the negative friend, and b) sometimes, try as they might, it’s just not their choice.

Over the past few months – hell, damn near a year – I was that negative, toxic friend. It was me that had all the drama including, but not limited to: car chases, police reports, hospital visits, Hot Sauce in my bag (true Bey fans will get that one!), Children’s Services…I mean, you name it I went through it. And I felt bad – really bad – about even opening up to people about it. Not because I was ashamed or embarrassed, but because I didn’t WANT to be…you know…THAT friend. Thank God, after every storm comes a rainbow. Here – color coordinated because I’m artistic like that; chakra based because I’m Spiritual like that – is what my rainbow taught be about being the toxic friend.

Indigo: Here sets the foundation of all rainbows. Indigo represents all things visual and spiritual. Let me tell you all that during my TFT (hereinafter known as toxic friend time) I was anything BUT visual and spiritual. I didn’t care anything about positivity, higher vibrations, peace, serenity…none of that. I just wanted the person that caused my storm to feel it as much pain as me. And it’s not that I didn’t WANT any of the aforementioned feelings; I felt like couldn’t get them. That hurt me, and we all know hurt people…hurt people.

Lesson learned: Drama kills your Spirit. Protect your peace.

Blue: My favorite color! So many moods and meanings. Yet in this case I’m using it to reference clarity and communication – or lack thereof. No matter how hard I tried to explain things to people (which they should have seen as a sign of desperation because, normally, I don’t explain shit) no one was understanding what I was going through, how I was going through it, nor why I was going through it. Hell, even I didn’t understand and I was one of the main players. My words became so misconstrued that I really started to believe people felt like I WANTED to be in my predicament; as if I created the scenarios to play out like it did. Honey, listen…if I want drama I’ll create a story – NOT live it outright, okay!?

Lesson learned: Sometimes, silence really is golden.

Green: The color of life, nature, empathy, and peace. None of those things resonated with me during my TFT. My life felt like an endless battle. Everything – and everyone – around me seemed to be dying. There was no empathy because no one was going through anything even remotely near what I was going through (nor would I wish that on anyone). Peace…what was that?! My outlook was so bleak that it was difficult – and at times downright impossible – to find anything to look forward to enjoying.

Lesson learned: Create inner peace in the midst of chaos.

Yellow: The two biggest indicators here for me are personal power and self-worth. Both, in my case, were missing in action. I felt so powerless and helpless during my TFT and had no outer validation that, all along, the power was within me to stop the insanity and turn it around. I’ve never really had a big bank of self-worth and this situation totally TANKED what took me YEARS to build. Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING, was bright during this time in my life.

Lesson learned: Personal power overcomes all obstacles.

Orange: Cheerfulness, happiness, love, joy – all elements that were missing from my life…especially the last one. Even when I faked like everything was fine, it wasn’t a challenge to see that I was lying – something that I loathe doing. I’m not even sure why I did it. Most of the time no one cared, and the ones that did soon stopped when I thought things were taking a turn for the better – which was really just a set up for a turn for the worst. I wanted to reach out to my friends (because truth be told I’m not that close with my family – no beef, just not that close), but they were either too busy with their own lives or too tired of hearing about mine. So I stopped reaching out and just wallowed in my own misery; slowly watching it kill my soul while praying it didn’t succeed.

Lesson learned: Personal happiness is a personal responsibility.

Red: The other end of the foundation. Where the Indigo roots you to the heavens, red roots you to the Earth. It keeps you grounded and fuels your inner passion, drive, and excitement for life. During my TFT, all red did was fuel my inner passion for vengeance. Which is funny, because it wasn’t until I detached from all of these negative outlooks that Karma stepped in and started doing her damn job (where in the f*ck was she at months ago?!). Red is often a misunderstood color because it represents anger which can bring out the worst in people. Here’s the thing though. Red ignites your inner PASSION! So if it’s positive then it brings out the best in you. If not, then it brings out the worst in you. I think out of all the color representations this one was the worst for me because it brought out two sides of me that I disliked: the angry, vengeful side and the weak, vulnerable side. One caused me to lose everything. The other almost caused me to lose my life. Neither were desirable outcomes. Neither were non-toxic.

Lesson learned: No matter what, stay grounded and humble.

I said all of this to bring you to this point. Your TFT moment – or, in some cases, the TFT moment of someone close to you – isn’t always as cut-and-dry as they just like drama. If you are the toxic friend, know that you are not alone and this, too, shall pass. While you’re in the storm, as hard as it may be, keep your eyes open. Watch your surroundings closely. Things are going to change so rapidly and erratically that you may miss an important lesson – or three. Take note of who’s willing to stay, who’s waxing and waning, and who’s walking away.

If you have a friend that’s going though TFT (they’re not really toxic, they’re just going through something – stop being an ass!) understand that your friend is human and right now, more than ever, they need you to have their back like the title “friend” indicates you do. Maybe they’re trapped in a dramatic situation. Maybe they’ve made attempts to avoid or seize the drama, but it didn’t work out in their favor. Maybe, just maybe, it’s not even their f*cking drama to begin with! Whatever the case, while you don’t have to take on their drama nor participate directly in their TFT, you can be a sounding board and provide a listening ear and/or word of encouragement while still protecting your own energy.

As for me, I just thank God my TFT is over! And why is it over? Because I said it was over. Once I got in a space where I literally had no one and it was just me, I had to find a solution or die trying. And then I almost died…no, literally, he tried to kill me…and it was fly or fall. The TFT ended with me. It also ends with YOU! When you are done with the negativity, the drama, the backstabbing, the lies, the fabrication of stories…when you’re really done, whether you have an army of supporters behind you or it’s just you and your Higher Power, you can – and will – end the toxic cycle for good!

I’d like to personally say thank you to everyone that stood by my side. Thank you to those that left and came back. Thank you to those that left and stayed gone. Your response to my TFT is appreciated because it showed me who was who, what was what, and gave me the inner strength – one that I always knew existed – to end a vicious cycle for good.


A former toxic friend

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *