This is my theme for the month. October is National Domestic Violence Prevention/Awareness month. For years this month has always been special to me. Not only have I experienced domestic violence – twice – but I’ve been a witness to it far too many times. Domestic violence goes beyond physical abuse. There are varying types: emotional, financial, sexual, mental, religious…the list goes on and on. There are women – and men, believe it or not – who are stuck in relationships today thinking they’re not being abused because their not-so-significant other hasn’t laid a hand on them. That’s the biggest stigma when it comes to domestic violence – that it’s only physical. It’s not! Any form of abuse that’s hurtful, belittling, and limits your quality of life can be considered abuse. There is no love is pain.
Welcome (back) to YOUR blog! Yes, you read that right! This is a place for YOU…the readers…to find the motivation, inspiration, and dedication you need to fulfill YOUR definition of success. Not much has changed about this blog. It’s still designed to help you identify road blocks, remove them, and get you back on track. The only adjustment is in the delivery – as in when you’ll see new posts! You can look forward to a new blog gracing your inbox or newsletter the first of every month! Haven’t subscribed yet? Follow the link and sign up!
For this blog, I want to initiate our new cycle by focusing on a subject that seems to be in the air for a lot of people. That subject is the principle of starting over. We’re in the last 4 month segment of 2017 (or for those that like quarters, the first day of the last month of the 3rd quarter…ya dig?!). While some people are still working diligently towards their goals, there are those who have either: a) given up their goals months ago and returned to everyday living, or b) those who want to “start again” come January 1st. This month’s message is for the masses that are thinking about giving up – or already have.
Honey, listen (when you see this…the message begins!), there is absolutely NO SHAME in not having achieved all you set out to achieve 244 days ago. I’m sure at some point your mojo was on 10 and you were on blaze towards your goals. So what happened? Life! It always does. Finances change. The blaze turned into a fire…then downgraded to a spark…then downgraded again to a sizzle. Support system dried up. Vision got cloudy. Eyes got blurry, filled with tears of regret. And then, you contemplated throwing in the proverbial towel.
Why? Because at some point during December 2016 you heard someone somewhere tell you to make a goal SO BIG that it SCARES the bejeebies out of you! So that’s what you did. You set a goal – or two, or three – so large that you damn near wet your pants in fear, but kept your composure because you knew, you just knew, that by December 2017 you would be balling out of freaking control!
Here’s the problem with – what have been described to me as – BIG, HAIRY, AUDACIOUS GOALS: they don’t happen in 365 days! Super sized goals take TIME! Lots of time! And I don’t mean time to manifest. Once you claim it the goal is yours. What takes time is for your vibration to match the goal, for you to do the work, and for you to SEE (major key – shout out to DJ Khaled!) the goal in your life! Yet that’s one of the things no one tells you! They say dream big, quit your job, work hard, don’t sleep, and your life will change forever. That’s a truth, but a heavily stretched one. So, before you throw in that proverbial towel let’s break down how these BHA goals REALLY happen!
- Dream big! This is when you set the goal of your desires. It doesn’t matter what it is: buy a house, get married/divorced, travel more, escape society and go live in the Amazon Rainforest. The point is to identify what makes your heart sing and your spirit almost rise out of your body in excitement! It can be one goal or 100! If it seems damn near unobtainable, but very desirable, that’s your BHA goal.
- Quit your job! Let me clear my throat on this one. *ahem* WORST! ADVICE! EVER! Unless you’ve won the Power Ball or inherited a nice chunk of change, you’re still going to have bills and responsibilities while on the road to creating your BHA goal. Anyone that recommends quitting your job is automatically suspect to me. I’m convinced they either didn’t have money issues to begin with (which, in that case, how can they relate to the everyday person’s struggle), or they’re using it as a marketing angle to make themselves look like an overnight success (which we ALL know – or should know – takes about 10 years). Never, ever leave your job (or as Lisa Nichols calls it, your “investor”) before your wings are ready to fly. Sure, make preparations, but January 2nd is not the day to tell your boss to kiss your you-know-what or to spike that annoying co-worker’s coffee with ex-lax and try to say it’s “mocha flavoring!” (Don’t ask…)
- Work hard. This tip is inevitable, but it’s also deceiving. Working hard is not – I repeat, NOT – the same as being busy! Working hard can be researching distributors, filling out legal paperwork for business filing, setting up test runs for new products. It does not have to be physically labor intensive or mentally non-stimulating. It’s simply doing what really needs to be done to start on the path of meeting your goals…not what makes it “look” like you’re doing something.
- Don’t sleep. GTFOH!!! Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t risk your health trying to obtain your wealth.”? Well, this phrase was created to counteract this non-essential bullshit piece of advice. Our bodies need to rest! There is no honor in burnout! You can’t focus if you’re burning the candle on both ends. All that’s going to do is wear you out, tear you up, and make you essentially useless in the pursuit of your own goals. Look, I get it, we live in a society that thrives on instant gratification. However, not everything can be nuked in the microwave for 30 seconds. I like how Eric Thomas put it: “It takes 21 years to be 21!” Some things just…take…time! No amount of sleep deprivation is going to change that. Do your part, and let the rest take care of itself.
*thinks to self: so much for a short blog!*
So what am I saying in all of this…and how does it tie in to the title? Don’t give up just because you’re not “there” yet. Understand and ACCEPT the fact that some goals take longer than others to achieve. If you’ve lost your blaze, find a new direction to achieve the same goal. And for Pete’s sake and for the love of Mike (whomever they are) please, please…DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB…YET! (The day will come. Hold on, grasshopper!)
Today is a great day to have a great day! Today is also a great day to pick up where you left off. We still have 4 full months until we do this craziness called resolutions again. Don’t start over on January 1st. Keep going on September 1st! Yeah, that sounds real nice!
Amazing! Wonderful! Beautiful! Delicious, even!
Those are just a few words that can describe my week of self-Love! Never have I ever devoted so much time and attention to myself without an ounce of guilt being felt. To understand the depth and magnitude of how important of a milestone this is for me we need to go back to what started it all.
For three weeks I partook in an online Love summit entitled From Heartbreak to Wholeness. Hosted by Elisabeth Scheffer, it featured some of the nation’s top Love experts, coaches, healers – alla dat! Some of the presenters I’ve known and followed off and on from time to time. A few were new to me. In fact, it was a coach of one of the new presenters that sparked the idea of my self-Love week.
Her name is Nicole and she’s my new Love Mentor. She works closely with Dr. Diana Kirschner who’s a relationship coach. No, I’m not looking to get hitched again – yet! However, I have come to realize that while I’m so busy giving, giving, giving I’m doing very little receiving. And that, my dear rockstar, had to change.
So upon speaking with Nicole for the first time we got to know each other better. I told her of my past Love “lessons” and how they contributed to my personal views on Love as of late. During this 60 minute call she gave me several homework assignments (still makes me lol…I’m not even officially her student yet!). One of these assignments was to get a massage. I needed to show myself some TLC…with the same intent that I’ve shown to others.
And thus began the week of self-Love!
It’s funny because I was hesitant to even book the massage! Seriously, it took me almost an hour to click submit for payment. But I finally did it. It was paid for and all I had to do was secure a date. (That was on Sunday.) Since that day, I have done at least one act of self-Love for myself for the past seven days. I’m proud to say that, beyond that initial hesitation, I didn’t bulk once at spoiling myself with a little TLC!
Why? Because after speaking with Nicole I had an epiphany that night. I can’t keep giving 50 if I’m only at 5! Never mind the numbers (I’m not talking percentages or anything), focus on the message. We’ve all heard the saying that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Well that saying is beyond the truth and what I found myself doing – especially lately – is trying to pour into others (work, kids, business, clients, writing, etc.) from a space that was about as dry as the Sahara desert! I was so focused on forcing myself to give to others that I didn’t stop to see that I had nothing left to give. It was like squeezing water from a rock. It just wasn’t there. Add to that my internal issues dealing with rejection, exclusion, judgment – something had to give.
So I gave! More like I gave up! What did I give up?
- The need for others’ approval of my work.
- The need to feel included in events.
- The need for outer validation.
- The need for social media.
I let it all go for seven whole days! And it…felt…GREAT!!! I realized during this week the reason why I felt the way I did was because others were giving amongst themselves, but no one was giving to me. No one was giving to me because I wasn’t giving to MYSELF!!! While I can’t safely say that habit has been completely broken, I can say that it has been curved dramatically. No longer will I neglect myself nor hide my true being for the sake of others. Anytime I feel slighted by someone or something on the outside, I’ll know it’s time to go within and nurture my inner artistic Rockstarr back to health.
So what does that mean for me now? It means I’m at a point where I’m in the overflow! Yes, I can freely write, create, and coach effectively! I can goal set and plant good seeds for my next harvest. I can look at myself in the mirror and look 10 years younger because I eliminated the stress! I can be open and vulnerable to myself, to my clients, and – God willing – to my true Love! :o) I’m at a beautiful place, in a beautiful space, and I thank God for this week of heavenly bliss! If you have never done so, please take a week – or even a few days – and carve out time just for yourself. You’ll be amazed at how wonderful, light, healthy, and younger you’ll look and feel! It feels so good to give from this space! It feels even better to receive from it!
We’re rounding third base in our self-love series. By now, you should have a better understanding of self-love. Once that understanding is solid, the next step was to make the declaration of accepting self-love. So what’s left? Here is where we go back to the basics. In the quest of reclaiming our self-love, we must remind ourselves of the different ways we can express self-love.
Below are ten ways you can reclaim your self love:
- Mirror Talk. In this exercise, you’ll have a loving conversation with yourself. It doesn’t have to be long or detailed. It’s a private moment for you to express your true feelings of love and appreciation. No one knows about this moment but you.
- Write yourself love notes. Leave them in inconspicuous places. As you come across them, you’ll be reminded just how fantastic you really are.
- Take a brisk 20-minute walk. Here is an opportunity for you to spend some quality time with yourself. You can think about anything, everything, or nothing at all. This time block is strictly for you and cannot – and should not – be interrupted.
- Take yourself out on a date. Dinner, a movie, bowling – find something that you love to do and haven’t done in a while and make a memory of it. Snap a few selfies while you’re at it. Create memories…that’s what it’s all about.
- Buy yourself something nice. It can be as extravagant as a $10,000 ring, or as simple as a $0.25 sucker. Whatever tickles your fancy. The premise is to give to yourself, from yourself.
- Go on a vacation. Whether it’s across town or across the country, shell out a few bucks and give yourself an opportunity of a lifetime. Visit somewhere you’ve always wanted to go, or a place that reminds you of who you are. Whatever you do, make the most of this trip.
- Get a massage. After all you’ve been through to get to this point, it’s time for some R&R…rest and relaxation. My personal favorite is a deep tissue massage with lavender and chamomile aromatherapy. Talk about heaven! There are plenty of massages to choose from. Find one that suits you…or better yet, experiment! Who says you only need one massage?!
- Give yourself a hug. Yes, it’s that simple. Wrap your arms around yourself and enjoy that warm embrace. You’ll know it’s authentic because it’s coming straight from you.
- Volunteer. If you’re a giver by nature, what better way to reclaim your self-love than to express your love for others? Spend time with the elderly, volunteer to be a big sister, donate blood. There’s a great need for givers. Fill that need and yourself at the same time.
- Give to a cause you care about. When you have a healthy level of self-love it’s easy to give to others. Pick a charity or cause – or even a person – close to your heart and do what you can to be a healthy reflection of self-love. Do this especially if it’s with a person. Don’t try to push your values onto them. Rather, show them what it means to love oneself. Be an example of healthy self-love. You’ll do them and yourself a world of good.
I’m sure you can think of many other ways to reclaim your self-love. What are they? Share below and inspire someone else. You never know who’s in need of reclaiming their own self-love. If you need help finding creative ways to reclaim your self-love reach out to me and we’ll get you back on track!
Now that you have a workable understanding of self-love, it’s time to move on to phase 2: accepting self-love. How do you do this? The process is easier than you think. In order to accept self-love you need to believe you’re worthy of self-love. Believing this truth is where many women get caught up. They start to think of the mistakes they’ve made in the past, the lies other people have told them, the goals they let fall to the wayside and produce numerous amounts of evidence to debunk the fact – FACT I tell you – that they are worthy of self-love. Instead of letting the evidence work against us, let’s use the evidence to work in our favor.
Case Study #1: When you were a child you were always told you were too ugly/fat/skinny/tall/short/girly/tomboyish. You never learned to love your true self because you altered your image to be the opposite of what you were being called.
Truth: The fact remains that you were NOT any of those things. Honey, listen…kids can be cruel, but none of what they said was true. It wasn’t any truer then than it is now. There was a point in time where you loved yourself for who you were. Along came adolescence, hormone changes, and peer pressure – all of a sudden you don’t know who you want to be. The answer has been with you all along: you want to be YOU! Let’s take that a step further though; don’t just BE you, EMBACE you! This means your curves, your tone, your hair, your style, your voice, your laugh – love and accept everything that makes you unique. We’re not in middle school anymore. Let those monster comments go. And if the comments came from an adult, know the issue is within them and was simply – yet unfairly – projected on you.
Case Study #2: You promised yourself when you were 21 that you would be married with 2 children living the American dream by the time you were 30. You’re now 35!
Truth: You can’t control decisions that involve more than you! Meaning, it’s unfair to your significant other (past or present) to buy into your dream if it doesn’t fit their own. Maybe they had different dreams in regards to marriage and family. That doesn’t make you any less valuable or worthy of self-love. Just because you haven’t found your knight in shining armor (thanks a lot, Disney! *side eye*) doesn’t mean they don’t exist! It just means you need to take this time to prepare yourself for the life that you desire. We’ve all heard the saying before and it rings true: we get what we want when we’re not looking!
Case Study #3: In focusing on case study #2, you neglected your goals of going back to school, starting a business, creating art, developing an invention – all because you lost yourself waiting for someone that has not yet arrived.
Truth: Just because you put your goals to the side doesn’t mean they’re completely dead! At any time you can register for classes, obtain a business license, pick up a paintbrush/pen/camera, or get in your lab! I am a firm believer that creative expression is one of the HIGHEST forms of self-love there is. It is the epitome of self-expression which can only be done when one is truly at peace with their inner being. Everyone – and I do mean everyone – has a creative side within them. Even if your goals are more logic-based, you can still use creativity to get you back on course.
Once you accept the truth of who you are, you will no longer be persuaded by anyone else’s truth of who you should be. That alone will provide the freedom required to fully love and embrace yourself…and by that I mean your SELF! Nothing has meaning except for the meaning you give it. When you define yourself, by yourself, for yourself, to yourself all other opinions and definitions – good or bad – will no longer matter.
“To thine own self be true.” –
Let’s be honest, how many of you can say this statement represents our life? Are you being true to yourself, or are you living a façade? Most of us are the latter, but swear we’re living in the former…especially in the sector of self-love. Now hear me out, ladies! We have a very warped perception of the true definition of self-love. We’re led to believe that it means having our hair laid out, nails on point, toes on fleek (do people even still use that word?!), body snatched, and clothes cycled out every season for the latest trends. While this may be a 100th of a 10th of 1% true, it is by no means an honest measure of self-love. It may be a representation of your Love Language, but self-love is on another level.
First, let’s break down the two words (thanks, Merriam Webster!):
Self: the entire person of an individual
Love: unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another
Combine these two and you have the overall meaning of self-love: the act of being unselfish, loyal, and benevolently concerned for you. That sounds good, right? Is this really all there is to it?
In a word…no.
Self-love is so much deeper than a combined Merriam Webster definition. It goes beyond the physical appearance and resides on a deeper, cellular level. How we think…how we act…how we treat ourselves is an indicator of how much – or how little – self-love you possess. The way you carry yourself in person and in private are a direct reflection of how you value yourself. Before we dive in to what self-love is, let’s clarify what it is not.
Going back to my examples, these are not true signs of self-love. Yes, we all want to look good and personal care is a must, but that doesn’t equate self-love. In fact, we as women are notorious for using our outer appearance to hide our feelings. If we feel our body isn’t up to par, we wear clothing that hides our shape. If we dislike our hair, we cover it up with wigs and weaves. If our skin is less than perfect (God forbid we have a pimple or scar) we cover it with make-up. We look great on the outside, but it’s only to cover up the emptiness and inadequacy we feel on the inside. And who causes these feelings? Family? Friends? Lovers? The media? We can point as many fingers as we want, but the bottom line is WE are the cause of these feelings. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Eleanor Roosevelt stated this truth some decades ago and she was spot on. We’re so concerned about how appealing we are to others so THEY will love us, that we neglect to love our natural self. What do we end up doing instead? We hide behind the disguises of painted nails, false hair, compromised complexions, and uncomfortable clothing – all for the sake of love.
Ladies, this is not true self-love. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good so long as you’re doing it for YOU and not THEM!
Here’s what real self-love looks like. It’s proper rest and nutrition. It’s laughing and smiling genuinely because you’re happy with yourself. It’s complimenting other women in a positive light. It’s living the life that you desire. It’s being grateful for everyone and everything in your life. It’s spending quality time with yourself doing what you love. It’s practicing your beliefs. It’s being you…unashamed and unapologetically!
When I first understood self-love I was on the other side of the spectrum. In fact, I was so far on the other side I didn’t even bother to hide it. My focus was on everyone else: kids, family, not-so-significant others. Everyone got a piece of my love except for me. As far as receiving it…that was a foreign concept. Do you know what it’s like to never be told that you’re loved? That you’re beautiful? That you are appreciated? Now imagine that being your entire life. Growing up, these words were non-existent. It was just assumed, I guess. So, of course, the first time someone told me they “loved me” I was ecstatic! I didn’t bother to think if they were telling the truth or why they said it in the first place. I don’t even think I knew what the word “love” really meant. I was just so enamored a the fact that someone finally – FINALLY – told me they loved me. Too bad that person lied…and so did the next one…and the next one…and on and on and on.
It would take years of disappointments, let downs, and false illusions to finally accept that none of these claims (made by not-so-significant others and friends) were true. It would take just as long to rebound from the hurt and confusion it caused me to feel. If they never really loved me, did that mean I was unlovable? Did I even know the true meaning of love? Again, it would be years before I finally GOT it.
You see, where most of us as women go wrong is we look for others to love us instead of learning to first love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we need to know ourselves. In order to know ourselves, we need to spend time within ourselves. Only then are we capable of self-love, and it isn’t until we master self-love that we are truly able to love others. Otherwise, we’re simply lost souls seeking a “feeling” that we think is love, but we’re not quite sure because we don’t really know what love is ourselves. Once we get that understanding, we become force to be reckoned with!
This week, I want you to spend some time defining self-love. What does it mean to you? Are you living out the true meaning of self-love, or are you covering it up with distractions and illusions to mask the pain? What will it take to improve your self-love? Share your story below. This blog isn’t just about me…it’s about US! Look for the video blog expounding on this topic in a few days. You can view my current and previous videos here.
Honey, listen…I get my lessons in the CRAZIEST ways, do you hear me?!
Earlier today I was driving. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, just out handling my usual Sunday business. I’m waiting at a red light and notice a bird – a pigeon to be exact – crossing the street. The light turns green and, obviously, we began to drive. But he’s still…walking…across…the…street. Luckily, myself and the car next to me have some sort of conscious because we both slowed down to let the bird continue to walk…across…the…street.
In a flash, this blog was born. Now here’s the thing. This pigeon is a bird. (Duh!) He has wings. (Duh!) He’s not injured to the naked eye so he has the capability to fly. ( Double duh!) He could have used his God given abilities to get wherever he was going, but instead of flying he chose to walk. Yes, this pigeon was strutting his stuff across that street.
Why make a seemingly simple task complicated? Why not use what God given abilities you already have – and KNOW you already have – to make your journey easier? He could have flown, but he didn’t. Instead, he decides to walk…across…the…street. (I will forever put emphasis on that statement!) Putting himself in unnecessary danger, causing unnecessary delay in his life and others (I was ready to gun it!). Something so simply resolved was made unintentionally, yet obviously, difficult.
But you know what? We do this every day! We walk…across…the…street.
We have all the capabilities to go after what we want (and in some cases, who we want) yet we choose the most lackadaisical route to obtaining it. And then…AND THEN…we have the nerve to catch an attitude when it comes to us in the same speed! You can’t cruise your way to your goal and expect the results to reach you at lightening speed. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t neglect the tools you possess to reach your goals faster then wonder why it’s taking eons for anything to happen. It doesn’t work that way. You can’t take the path of least effort then complain about the participation award while watching the winners celebrate. It doesn’t work that way.
So how DOES it work?
It works when you make the PERMANENT decision to go after what you want. It works when you put your excuses to the side and push through – even when life pushes back on you. It works when you access your tools and use the to PROPERLY and SWIFTLY propel you forward. It works when you not only move YOURSELF forward, but you take OTHERS with you. It works when you STAND for your belies – the ones that benefit ALL HUMANKIND. It works when you STOP…WALKING…ACROSS…THE…STREET!!!
Put a sense of urgency into your goals. Put a sense of necessity into them. Light a fire under your arse and get going! Whatever you have to do, be INTENTIONAL about getting to your intended destination, but please…for Pete’s sake and for the love of Mike…
Don’t walk…across…the…street. FLY!!!!!!
How do you plan on flying into your destiny? Share below! Need help spreading your wings? Contact me today and let’s get you going!
This is such a broad statement to make, but it’s true. As a society, we have been “conditioned” to believe that more is better. We want more money, more fame, more clients, more options, more opportunities, more cake…(okay, that last one is just me!). My point is we spend every waking hour of every day satisfying our gluttonous desires to get more. We do this with aggression. We do this with fervor. We do this as a means to an end. “When I get more X, then I can Y!” Our intentions are good, but our perceptions are piss poor wrong.
More does not equal better!
Better equals better!
Let me break this down for you. I want to use a practical example; let’s go with friendships. I don’t know why we all desire to be Facebook celebrities, but “likes” don’t equate fame. Yet we do everything in our power to gain those likes…and those friends…and those comments…and those shares. All for the sake of numbers. Now, unless you can transform these numbers into something useful they don’t mean much outside of this social media platform. These “friends” that you’ve accumulated over the past few weeks, months, or years – do you know three things about them that CAN’T be found on their profile? Have you ever met them in person? Do you know their middle name (like, the government name…not the OhSoSweetandSassy listen on their profile)?
Chances are, unless you know them personally, the answer is no. So why do we put so much emphasis on having the most number of friends online? Why is it a badge of honor when we’ve maxed out our two thousand friends and have to create a “fan page?!” Sure, you have all of these people linked to you, but how are they benefiting you? How are you benefiting them? Are you really that concerned about their overall well-being, or are you concerned about the overall number of friends that you’ve accumulated? What’s going to happen when shit gets real and life happens? How many of these people are doing to do more than just post, “Praying for you!” under your status?
Think about it for a moment. What’s more important – knowing you have true friends that have your best interest at heart, or knowing you have a high number of individuals on your profile page? In the thick of it, which one really matters?
This concept can be applied to so many other areas of your life as well. Just because you have the MOST of something doesn’t mean you have the BEST of something. More isn’t always better…neither is bigger always better. Sometimes, the less you have the better off you are in the long run.
It’s time to take inventory over your life. Where are you weighing heavily because you have too much of something? How can you scale back so you can really reap the benefits? Let me know in the comments below. If you need assistance with assessing your quality versus quantity let’s chat! Email me at email@example.com for a complimentary 30-minute call.
Ahh…Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. The day we shower our loved ones with candy, cards, stuffed animals, and other trinkets. It’s also the day we curse for being fake, commercialized, glamorized, and created for profit’s sake.
Your thoughts about Valentine’s Day are valid…because they’re your thoughts. Maybe you love the day. Maybe you loathe it. Maybe it brings up beautiful memories of how you met your spouse. Maybe it’s not even recognized as a day and you’re still pretending it’s February 13th. Whatever the case may be, look past the “holiday” and see the purpose of it.
This day is about love. It’s about caring for individuals in a way that may or may not be deserving. It’s about putting someone else’s needs before your own simply because you value them that much. To me, Valentine’s Day isn’t a chance to show off how much you love your mate to the public. It’s a day to prove to someone that you love and value them…in private.
That can be hard to do, especially if you’re still healing from a broken heart. I understand because I’ve been there. Hell, technically I’m STILL there! There are different levels of pain when it comes to a broken heart. There’s the level due to the loss of a love one through death. There’s the level due to loss of a loved one intimately (breaking up). And there’s the level due to loss of SELF! This is the level I want to address because – in my opinion – this is the hardest heart break of all to heal from – but it’s also the EASIEST to recover.
When I say, “loss of self,” what I’m referring to is forgetting about the essence of who you are. This could have been done for the sake of pleasing someone else. It could have been due to extensive responsibilities. Or maybe you were never taught how to love your self so you didn’t, in fact, lose it…you never had it. When we neglect our own needs it becomes hard to meet the needs of others. When they don’t understand this neglect of self and still demand things from us, it can also make us resentful.
This is dangerous for several reasons. Resentment blocks our ability to reason. It prevents us from seeing the full picture because we’re so focused on what’s being taken from us; we don’t stop to see what we’re giving ourselves. It also makes it harder for others to love us because we automatically group everyone in the category of “leeches” and assume they just want to stick their grimy straws in our backs and suck us dry. That may not be the case, but when we have no love for self and set no boundaries it sure can seem that way.
That’s why it’s important to step back from everyone and everything for a while and refuel your own cup. You need to get into the habit of loving you even when it’s hard to love others. We get so wrapped up in trying to prevent others from breaking our hearts that we don’t see how we’re breaking our own hearts daily. Love isn’t outside of you. It’s within you. When you love yourself properly it begins to REFLECT outside of you. So the love that you believe others have – or don’t have – for you is really a REFLECTION of the love you have for yourself.
Now the question is how are you loving yourself? What have you done to please you lately? Do you even know your love language? If not, find out what it is here. Once you know how to love you, then you can fall passionately in love with your SELF. Then and only then will the additional love from others have true meaning.
This Valentine’s Day, spend some time loving you even if you’re recovering from loving others. It’s okay to still show love to others as well, even if you’re working on healing yourself. No one has ever been hindered by love. Lust…yes. Love…no way! The best way to heal your heart is to use it. Start inward and work your way out. The more you love, the faster you’ll heal.
How will you love yourself this Valentine’s Day? Share your ideas below.
Are you struggling with learning to love yourself? Let me show you how vital love is to your personal growth.
I can truly attest to the fact…FACT, I tell you…that when you stand strong in your faith you can overcome anything! And I do mean anything!
Two Saturdays ago I was in a very unsafe predicament. While going around a curve on the highway the tire rod on my front passenger side came loose. Immediately, the ride got very bumpy. I pulled over onto the median (where two highways merge) to step out and look at the tire. It looked like it was in tact, so I made an attempt to merge to the right so I could get off and take the streets to my destination just in case it wasn’t all good.
Guess what? It wasn’t all good!
I didn’t even get clear out of the median before my tire really went haywire! Thank God the shoulder was right there. So I pulled over and commenced to making phone calls.
Here is where my faith test began.
The first call was to my insurance company. In the past, they offered road side assistance up front. Meaning they contacted a tow company, had your car towed to wherever you chose, and paid for the towing. Now I’m being told that I have to call a tow company, have it towed, pay for it, and they’ll reimburse me a set amount. *insert major eye roll* So I hang up with them and search for tow companies.
The next call was to one that I chose based on ratings. They said they could have someone out within 30 – 45 minutes and gave me a price…which was DOUBLE what my insurance company would reimburse me. *insert second major eye roll* Given my location (highway) safety level (way too low) and the fact that I wasn’t alone (all three kids were with me) I set it up to have them pick up my car and tow my car to the dealership.
The third call was to my dad. (Daddy ALWAYS saves the day!) Thank God he was home. I told him our location and he said he was on his way.
The final call was to the dealership letting them know my car would soon be on their lot. I told them I thought my axel was broken, but wasn’t sure. They said they would check it out when the car arrived.
Fast forward 30 minutes.
Still no tow truck. Still no dad. Still no safety zone…and these cars are FLYING by trying to get to the exit! By now I’m having to honk to alert them they’re nearing the shoulder. I called my dad and my mom answered. He gets on the phone and realizes he was on the wrong side of the highway. Attempt #2 has begun.
Fast forward 20 minutes.
He pulls up behind me. Still no tow truck, but by this time my boys are freaking out and my daughter (who can’t seem to contain her laughter in serious situations) is near gut-busting level with tears of hysteria. We hopped in the car and pulled off.
Super fast forward to Monday. I call the dealership to find out the particulars of my car. This is when the faith test goes into full throttle. They tell me the inner AND outer tire rods are broken, something came loose (may have been tampered with, but that’s another blog for another day), and to repair everything would be damn near the amount of my rent!
Now, my emergency fund was cleared out leaving a very violent situation. I’m in the process of recouping it, but haven’t made much progress. And now I have to contend with this. So, not only do I have the standard first of the month bills to cover, but I also have to squeeze in a repair fee…that may have been done intentionally by some spiteful being or on his behalf.
*turns up the faith knob*
I freaked out, naturally, for a few hours. Then, that night, when it was time to say my prayers I gave it all to God. I said, “God, I don’t know how you’re going to fandangle this (and, yes, I said fandangle – God knows how I talk), but I know you got me this time like you’ve always had me before. Yes, I might stress because I’m human, but at the end of the day what you say goes so I’m going with the flow.”
That was Monday night. By Friday, I had accumulated enough money to cover my expenses AND my repair!!! No cash advance needed, because that’s the route I was going to take if need be. Now I believe even stronger than before that when you ask God for a need he will supply it right in the nick of time!
Inevitably, situations will arise. Sometimes it’s to test you. Sometimes, shit just happens. Either way, it’s an opportunity to strengthen your faith, increase your vibrations, and test your belief that things will work out accordingly in the end. Sure, it may not be to your liking (there are a myriad of ways I would have rather spent that “extra” money), but it is definitely in your favor. When it happens – and that’s “when” not “if” – take full advantage of the opportunity to grow. Yes, it sucks in the moment and feels really uncomfortable, but in the end you’re stronger, wiser, and have a better perspective of your life and your current situation.
What recent situations have required you to stand strong in your faith? Comment below! And if you feel like your faith isn’t strong enough, allow me to be your ally!