May 13, 2012: I hit the wall – well, tree.
May 23, 2012: I made the decision.
May 25, 2012: I purchased the ticket.
May 31, 2012: I got on the plane.
June 1, 2012: I went inside of my cocoon.
That’s where I’ve been for the past nine months – in my cocoon. I was struggling. I was wounded. I was heartbroken. I had given up on almost everyone and everything in life…including life itself. Nothing that I was doing worked anymore. The advice, the books, the challenges – they all had me going in circles. I was spiraling downward and out of control. Something had to give and as much as I tried to fight it the realization appeared that inevitably it would have to be me. And so the conception arrived.
Month 1: I did nothing. Abso-freakin-lutely NOTHING! I sat. I rested. I marinated. I got myself as comfortable as I possibly could in my cocoon located in the “heart of it all.” That’s right, I went back to Ohio…Columbus, Ohio to be exact…my parent’s house to be even more exact. Nope, I no longer have any shame in it as hindsight is always 20/20. Keep reading…it will make sense in the end (like it always does). Towards the end of the first month I got antsy. I realized this was not for me, yet I was brought back here for a reason. I just didn’t know what it was. So instead of sitting around the house waiting for the reason to come to me I decided to get up and get moving. I had a chance to make some things right so I might as well take the opportunity.
Month 2: The first thing I did was get a job. Well, actually I went through a temp agency. My first gig was only two days. Then I would start a longer gig – one that was scheduled to last eight weeks. I thought, This is perfect. I can make some money for the summer and then get transferred through the agency and return back to Atlanta. Then it hit me; I tried that before and it didn’t work. Plus, that wasn’t the plan my Higher Power had for me because my eight-week gig is now my current position. I was still in the throes of the idea of staying, but I numbed it with the intention of leaving at the end of the summer.
Month 3: I started to regenerate my faith in actually being able to leave. I had a nice cushion saved up and had begun scouring the internet for jobs and opportunities in Atlanta. There were hopes of me reuniting with the man I fell in love with while I was in Atlanta – even though our last conversation had me questioning if he was truly still “the one.” I even paid off a debt. The hope was still there.
Month 4: Hope had died. I mean a slow, painful, miserable death. Not because I was still here, but because somewhere within the last 30 days I had come to understand that Atlanta was toxic to me. It is great as a vacationing city, but residential wise it just wasn’t for me. I’m not a metro-city type of person. I need a mix of city/country with excitement in between them. Atlanta was too much excitement with not enough relaxation. Too many people were fighting and stressing over the same things. It was that energy that wounded me in the first place. Some people can handle that. Some people thrive off of that. I am not one of those people. So I begin my second trimester with a new hope. While I will eventually return south, it won’t be to Atlanta. My focus has shifted to preparing myself for a real return. And I made the decision that this move would be my last move until my youngest graduates high school…and she hasn’t been born yet. (And, no, I’m not pregnant!)
Month 5: I get some wheels underneath me. No, seriously, I bought a car! A vehicle that can take me where I need to go, when I need to go, and in a safe and efficient manner. It was wonderful! It was exciting! It was a car that I’ve wanted since it came out! Sure it took a decade, but I manifested my Alero! Yes, it’s an older model car but it’s MY older model car…completely paid for…completely MINE! This purchase brings about a different priority; I begin to set different goals. Instead of focusing on running away, I’ll work on what I can fix while I’m here. And that’s what I begin to do.
Month 6: It’s the end of the second trimester and the beginning of the holiday season. I am determined to get into the Spirit of the season – after all, massive amounts of cake were on the horizon! This month I start to come into who I am. I begin to realize what it is that I want more and more every day. There isn’t much physical movement this month, but the mental and spiritual movement begins to take over.
Month 7: It’s movement time. I’m turning things around. I’m preparing to be (re)born. I’m getting rid of what’s been weighing me down. I’m discovering my SELF. It’s a little tight these days, but I know that’s because I’m growing and expanding and coming into my own. I also set a vision of my life. One that, withouth my current knowledge at the time, I will be reminded of before my “arrival.”
Month 8: My injuries are completely healed. Now it’s just a matter of time before I can resurface. I continue to prepare for my emergence and position myself for movement when the time comes. The new goals are set. The system is in place. Everything is exactly as it should be. All I need to do is stick to the plan.
Month 9: This is the most important month of all. I discover – well rediscover – my center. I read the blogs I’ve written. I watch the videos I’ve made. I analyze my life not only from the past nine months, but also the past three years. I go all the way back to June 16th, 2009 at 8:35 PM EST when the changes all began. It hits me that everything before that moment is now irrelevant. During this journey from then until now I see where I went right, where I went left, and where I went nowhere at all. I discover what outer sources blocked me and what inner sources blocked me. I break down those walls and find my CENTER again! I am reminded that in everything that I do, in every word that I say, in every ACTION that I make I always have been, am still, and always will be LOVE CENTERED!
March 2, 2013 9:38 AM EST: Labor begins. I start with my morning talk with my Higher Power. Everything comes to the surface from these past few months. The hurt, the pain, the agony. The growth, the joy, the happiness. It all starts to make sense. The delay in movement. The accident that started the process. The reasons why I shouldn’t go back to Atlanta. The reason why I had to let “him” go. Everything made sense. It was being pushed out. I was being pushed through it all. And then I saw the light.
March 2, 2013 10:50 AM EST: I realize why I’m here. In order for me to truly heal I had to get to the heart of it all. In order to get to the heart of it all I had to come back to the “heart of it all.” Not just Ohio. Not just Columbus, Ohio. But to my parent’s home. Back to where I was raised. Back to where it all began. I had to get back to being me by going back to the source that made me who I am in the first place. I had to return to my center to return to being LOVE CENTERED. I didn’t get it then, but I definitely get it now.
And at this very moment I am (re)born. I am new. I am healed. I am who I always have been – just without the outer facade. I can – and will – be completely free to be who I truly am. There is no need to chase any more dreams. There is no need to succumb to any demise. There is no need to feel inferior as if I’m in the shadow of someone else. There is only a need to be me, in my own spirit, in my own skin, just as I am, where I am, while being comfortable with who I am. I will always learn. I will always grow. I will always strive to be better than I was the day before. I will just do it from my center, in my center, and in ways that are compatible with my center. LOVE is in me. LOVE runs through me. LOVE is all around me. LOVE IS ME!
I am LOVE! I am (RE)BORN!
My first tears in this new life of mine are not of sadness, but of joy. I look forward to seeing where this new life will lead me.
…and now, I eat!